To Live and Love in Hogwarts: The Final Year
by ShrekPotter
Summary: Harry's decided to go back to school after defeating Voldemort, but not all things are as they seem. Harry will have to rely on his friends and his loved ones while embarking on a new adventure full of danger, lust, and witty cameos
1. An Unexpected Occurence

It was Harry's first year back at Hogwarts. After finally defeating the evil Lord Voldemort, he was excited for a brand new adventure at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He arrived at the train station with his best friend Ronald Weasley. "This was to platform 9 ¾, Ron!" Harry said with much enthusiasm. Ron, who had been quite upset at Harry replied "I can find it myself, thanks!" Harry was confused, what had he done? "Why are you so upset at me Ron?"

"Well," Ron replied "you never look at me when we make love" Harry was shocked, but felt so bad. Harry stepped closer to Ron, and Ron closer to Harry. But then, Ron was a bear! Harry was terrified! People started running and screaming everywhere leaving Harry all alone to face the bear, when suddenly Harry whipped out his wand when he realized it had been replaced by licorice! "Gotcha!" yelled Fred and George. Harry would kill them later but for now he had to handle the was then that he remembered something from Hagrid's stupid class. Pi equaled 3.14! Also, bears loved licorice! Harry was about to give it to the bear when he realized he'd already eaten it! "darn" said Harry splattering licorice goop all over his good robes. With little options left, only one person could help. Harry opened up his magical coin purse freeing none other than…


	2. The Beginning of the End

Albus Dumbledore! "Dumbledore? But you were de…."

"Shut up boy and let me do my thing!" Much to Harry's amusement, Dumbledore used his wand to levitate Fred and George towards the bear. They were screaming, but you couldn't hear them over the sound of Harry's laughter. Within a few seconds, all that was left of Fred and George was a stained shred of clothing. Dumbledore put away his wand and told Harry "Remember, you must always…." But then Harry remembered he'd already eaten Dumbledore. The real Ron (who was disguised as a piece of French Toast) carried Harry to the train in a satchel. It was so comfortable he awoke and found Dudley Dursley! Harry's fat oaf of a cousin. The lovable goof snuck on the trains so that he could meet the famous Ron Weasley, but soon he started crying.

"Oh, what is it you fat piece of lard?" Harry yelled "I..I..I forgot my Gizmondo back at home he sobbed while stuffing his face full of toffees. "Well I'd let you go back and get it, but I can't. I'm afraid you have to die." So Harry clubbed Dudley to death with Sirius' favorite club (Harry liked to think Sirius would've wanted him to take it from his house) "HARRRYYYY!" What've you done!" screamed Ron. At this moment the snack lady showed up and ripped off her wig, revealing Uncle Vernon! "MURDERERRR!" He yelled pointing a large sausage finger at him. Out from every nook and cranny came swarms of policemen. Ron and Hermione even joined in on the fun and put on police hats while getting out nightsticks. Luckily, Harry had grown wings and flew out the window but the train was so fast, the wind knocked Harry to the ground unconscious…


	3. Concerning Wizards

Harry dreamed he was being carried away by none other than Hagrid towards Hogwarts. All of a sudden, swarms of clowns came from everywhere! "This MUST be a dream!" Harry yelled. He pinched himself, but then realized IT WASN'T A DREAM! And Hagrid wasn't carrying him away. It was an alien! "Oh my god! What are you!" Harry sang to the alien. "Yo man, you must be racist or something. You aint never seen a black man before? My name's Colby, I went and rescued from those pigs back there. Now I'm gonna shank you!" This made Harry scream and jump out of Colby's arms back onto the ground. Soon he realized he had forgotten about the clowns! They circled him, closer and closer, but then they got tired and went home. Harry, relieved, walked back to Hogwarts hoping everyone had forgotten about the murder. As he approached the castle, he was shocked not to see any guards! All of a sudden, Hogwarts said "HELLLLOOO HARRY POTTER!" and then Harry was inside of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And everyone had forgotten about the murder! He was so excited he went to see Ron! Ron was of course, watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua with his girlfriend Professor Mcgonagall. Harry hated romantic comedies so he decided to visit Neville Longbottom instead. When Harry walked up to him, Neville remembered the murder, and stabbed Harry in the chest!

Harry fell back gasping while clutching all the blood pulsating out of his chest, when he remembered he had a packet of magical fruit gushers in his shirt pocket. He had planned on eating those that evening so now he was MAD! But when he realized Neville was in his dashing fireman costume, his anger subsided. That is until Neville grabbed Hedwig's ashes and used them to season his cole-slaw. Now he'd gone too far, Harry hated cole-slaw! Harry reached for the zipper that was always behind Neville's head and pulled it down revealing Harry's crush Cho Chang! "Oh thank you Harry! I'd bought that Neville costume for the school dance but it got so tight that I couldn't get out" she said soothingly. "Shut up woman 'cuz I don't care! Now explain why you tried to kill me!" He roared brandishing Sirius Black's favorite axe. "Oh Harry! Please don't be mad! Mrs. Norris the Cat told me too!" she sobbed. Harry's blood started boiling "MMRRRSS. NOORRRRRIIISSSS!" he yelled. Now he had a score to settle with that cat. "I'll be back and when I return I'm claiming you as my wife!" He told her "Oh Harry! You don't know what you're saying!" Harry didn't want her to leave, so he cryogenically froze her until he got back. Mrs. Norris would not go unpunished this time…


	4. A Most Unusual Dilemma

Harry stormed to where he knew Mrs. Norris would be. As he neared the dark, musty ally-way, he started to feel scared. Fortunately, he remembered he didn't have any feelings and continued marching. He saw Mrs. Norris and her new owner Santiago, the drug dealer. Harry called out "Santiago the Drug Dealer, I have a bone to pick with Mrs. Norris!" Santiago the Drug Dealer said nothing. He turned and looked at Mrs. Norris and swallowed her whole. Suddenly, the earth started shaking, but Harry got bored, bought some drugs and went home. Harry decided to experiment with the new pill he bought called "Advil" He popped a few in, but then the new Headmaster Nigel Thornberry walked in! He was furious! He removed all of his clothes made owl noises, and crawled out. Harry was so sad about this that he used his wizard powers for evil! But all did not go according to plan because just as he was about to sacrifice his blood, he heard a knock on his bedroom door. It was a bunch of parent protestors who thought his use of witchcraft was immoral, but his new evil approach put things too far!

"Hello Harry Potter, it's nothing personal, but we're going to have to lock you up with those three unfortunate orphans and all the other fictional characters who have warped our children's minds." This started to freak Harry out until… "Wait a second, Headmaster Nigel Thornberry? What happened o Albus Dumbledoor?" It was then that Harry heard a small cough from inside his bowels. "I'm in here Harry, remember? Now it seems you're in a sticky situation so I'll give you some helpful advice. There's nothing I can do to help you. Now just remember that and you'll be fine. Oh dear, it seems I'm being digested so I must go. Tataaaaaa!" Harry sobbed after hearing these last words of his beloved and delicious headmaster but he stopped as he heard a rumbling outside. Harry and the protest group stared in awe as a large schoolbus drove through the wall, but seeing as this was Hogwarts, it was a MAGIC schoolbus! Ron, Hermione, Luna Lovegood, and an unimportant character (oh, let's say….Dean Thomas) were all inside

"Get in Harry, we're here to save you!" Harry reluctantly got on "where'd you get this bus?" asked Harry "Err, we found it" said Luna while shoving a red-haired woman's body under a seat "SEAT BELTS EVERYONE!" yelled Hermione "Please let this be a normal adventure" moaned Ron. Hermione just laughed and pulled a large lever "There's only one place we can go at a time like this!"


	5. The Trouble Deepens

Hermione put the pedal to the medal and before Harry could say "plot convenience" they had reached their destination, CANADA!

"Canada!" Harry shouted

"Canada!" Luna shouted!

"It's only a model…" Hermione grumbled

"But wait," Dean started "how did we drive a bus to" but Luna shot him in the head before he could finish. Harry stepped off the bus to take in the beauty of the majestic country. Just as he was about to claim his territory all over the sidewalk, a little girl with horns walked up to him. "Hello young lady, what is your name?" The pre-pubescent female replied "my name is Justin Bieber! Baby! Baby! Baby! Ooohhhh!" Harry quickly covered his ears from the evil noise but Luna wasn't so lucky. She didn't notice the Bieber so blood shot out of her ears and her head exploded from the high pitched shriek! Everybody gathered on the bus, but it wouldn't start! They all nominated Dumbledore to go check the engine since he just kept appearing out of nowhere. He went out, opened the hood, and was shocked to discover something amazing! He peaked inside and found **DUH DUH DUH DUHHHHHH **The Legendary Master Sword! "Look everyone, I found the Master Sword!" he exclaimed

"I think you mean the Gryffindor Sword" Hermione pointed out "NO!" Dumbledore snapped "Oh, could you children please let me use it? I just need to slice some bread of mine" he pleaded much to Harry's dismay "Alright, but bring it back or I'll eat you again!" Dumbledore ran off after hearing this saying nothing more than "Piss off!" He never came back…

Now that the bus was fixed, Harry and his friends decided to go to an Arby's or something. But they were stopped in their tracks by a blinding flash of light followed by the appearance of a blue police box. Out stpped a well-dressed English man who looked very worried. "Hogwarts students! I am THE DOCTOR!" Ron gasped in amazement after hearing this "You're THE Doctor?" "No I'm not THE doctor, I'm A doctor! And I've come to warn you all! You see, you've been making far too many cheap jokes and references and the universe simple can't handle it anymore! Make one more and the entire universe will implode!" But Hermione, smart as ever, put on her giant thinking glasses and said "BUUUTTT WAIIITTT! You yourself are are the image of a cheap cultural reference!" This made the Doctor panic "Good lord, what have I done? Get out of the universe while you still can! And with that he got on a magic Big Wheel and zoomed out into space, peddling as fast as he could! But as soon as he left, the Earth started shaking violently….


End file.
